Wednesday, December 28, 2011

You will always be in my Heart

So, I don't even know where to start, mostly because I don't know where I left off last time. So much has changed since last time i wrote. I have moved back to my home town Redding. I started living at my momma's house, moved out and got my own place, got sick, got well, and the next month got sick again. Found out I had to move back in with my momma because the house I was living in had a mold issue. In July I had a feeding tube placed, which hurt like hell! Im finally starting to gain weight since I've been sick so many times since I have had it. The plus side is that I have not lost any weight at all. Even with all this moving around and having many changes going on in my life there has only been one thing on my mind everyday. My best friend, Alyssa Crank, passed away July 17 because of Cystic Fibrosis. Even though I knew that it was coming, I never thought that she would pass away that soon. Part of my heart was torn that day. This is when I hate all those little cliches in life, like, life isn't fair. Life truly is not fair, and it does not make make any sense. She was the biggest fighter I knew, the strongest person. Alyssa, in her tiny little body, had the biggest heart, best sense of humor, and the strongest will to live. It really sank in at her memorial service. She was always there for me no matter what, she was a true friend. I can't even start to explain how much I miss her. It's very hard not to be selfish and want to see her again when I know she is laughing without coughing, dancing without getting short of breath, and celebrating the amazing breaths that she can now take in heaven. I still can't believe she is gone though. It scares me so much because she passed away from something that I have. It's made my disease more real to me than it ever has been before. Loosing has made me try to fight this battle even harder. I can't and I will never give up because she never did either. Words really can't explain how much it hurts to loose you best friend. I long for the day where I get to see you again and we can both truly breath forever. Alyssa Marie Crank you are forever loved and you will always be in my heart. I love you and miss you.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Finding your Motivation

Trying takes every fiber of body. For some reason to keep trying is the most difficult when times aren’t the hardest. I get exhausted so easy. You think that your LIFE and the number of days you have depending on how well you take care of yourself would be enough of an influence. I guess its not so much as its hard for me to keep on trying but for me to stayed focused on the future 100% of the time. I have to stay focused and think about my future every single day, the moment I wake up, the second I get ready for bed, and many times in between. I want to be able to live in the present, but for me to have more time I can’t. Inhalers all the time wear me out. I have to always remember. Remember is the hardest when I’m feeling good; like right now. I get so excited that I’m doing so well that I forget that I have to keep at pushing more so I stay like that. This time it has been a little bit easier because I haven’t just been focusing on life in general, but another life. To clear the air right away, no, I am not pregnant nor plan on getting pregnant anytime soon! BUT I do eventually want to have a kid. Talking to the doctors this last time helped me become more positive and confident in myself that I will one day be able to have kids; as long as I keep trying to get my lung function up and it stay up. After being off of I.V. antibiotics for about a month now my lung function is up to 60%! Now for me, that’s good, since I haven’t had numbers that high in a while. I want to get them higher though. My goal is to get a steady baseline of 65%. Having this new motivation (even though I don’t have anything planned for the near future) has helped me see life in a new, positive way. I encouraged everyone of you CFer’s to seek out that motivation and keep fighting whether its good or bad times; cuz remember you gotta keep on fighting today to get a better tomorrow. Sending love to all of my CFer’s out there, love you all!