So It's Been a While...

So let me catch y'all up on a few minor yet major details that have happened since I last posted.

Getting sick this last time was, lets say, life changing. In one month or so, my lung function dropped 15%. The last thursday I posted was the worse I had ever been. I was short of breath the moment I would get up to walk 10ft. I had been staying in bed all day. I would walk down my stairs to the kitchen to get food dreading to have to try and make my body to walk back up the stairs, because I knew by the time I got to the top, I would be hacking/coughing, racing to get to my bed and trying to catch any breath I could. Luckily my momma came down that day, otherwise that night would've been difficult to get through by my self. I couldn't breathe. If I had gotten worse my mom said she was going to take me to the emergency room.

The next morning, we drove to Stanford. I walked into my appointment by myself while my mom parked the car. This was my first time at the adult clinic side of Stanford. I was called to my room and the moment I walked in the lady was waiting for me to blow into the gun, that would spit back numbers that would cause me to come to realization. This was my worse PFT (pulmonary function test) ever; an FEV1 of 41%. Waiting for my mom I held back the tears that I ended up bursting out the second she walked into my room. I knew I was not going to have good numbers, but these were lower than I expected or wanted to accept.

All of this scared me. Things had to change, starting with being admitted into the hospital. This meant I couldn't finish out my semester at Sonoma State. It was one of the hardest decisions, because I didn't want to be a failure or fail at anything. From this point I also realized that my body is unpredictable and that I cant push it so much. Realizing this meant, my body can not handle the job of being a nurse. I hate that I can't become what I have a passion for and what I've wanted to be for such a long time. Not knowing what I was going to do next with my life made me feel confused. What would I do?

Everyone told me that I don't have to do anything; that having CF is a full time job itself. Which is true, having CF is a job and my life first before anything else. I still want to be something other than that though. I want to still be involved in the medical; I can't imagine not being in the medical field somehow. I needed to find something that wouldn't put stress on my body. So, I have decided to become a dietician and then minor in health management. It should be interesting...hopefully.

Since I've been out of the hospital, I've been resting back at home, in Redding. I needed this. I must say it has been a little on the boring side but oh well. Soon, in less than one week, I will be moving! I'm moving down south to Chowchilla. I'll be decreasing my load of school in the fall and only be going part-time in Fresno. I decided that its not worth the rush to get sick again. I'll work a little over the summer for some cash, but my focus this summer is to start some cardio and increase my numbers so I can make it through another semester.

To end this, thank you to everyone who has helped and been there for me the past month (Mom, Coleman, Dad, Jeff, Jesse, Kelsey, Olivia, Alyssa, Chelsa and everyone else.) You all mean the world to me and always will. You help me push through that bad times so I can have the best moments in the world with all of you! I love you all with every beat of my heart <3

Long night...

So I haven't been feeling well, even though I have been on two oral antibiotics for over a week now. I hate feeling tired all the time, with no energy, not having a big appetite, coughing nonstop, and through the night. Last night was killer. I woke up around 3:30a.m. not being able to catch my breath. I had to do my inhaler, and it took a while for that to kick in. My body was sore from coughing so much in a short amount of time. I knew it was going to be hard to go back to sleep, and I was right. The moment I am able to relax I cough again, having to try and steady my breathing and relax all over again; its a vicious circle. So naturally I hop on my computer. Alyssa was on which was nice having someone else up to talk to (Alyssa is my friend, from my hometown, and also has CF). Watched some tv, then realized I should probably eat, since yesterday I hadn't really ate that much at all. It was now 5:30a.m. and I'm laying downstairs on the futon trying to sleep and became comfortable down there. I think I was finally able to fall asleep by 6a.m. Looooong night. I'm so tired still.

Since I haven't been feeling great whatsoever, I am headed to Stanford tomorrow. I will probably be getting a picc line placed and we will see if I will be staying in the hospital itself for a few days, or if they will let me do treatments back at home, in Redding.

My momma is coming down today though and I am so excited to see her!!! She always helps when I'm not feeling good. I love her!

~B

Weekend Wrap-Up

Ok, so this will be a short one because i am studying and super tired from the drive back from Tahoe today.

The wedding was soooo much fun! The weather was perfect, a little on the chilly side, but still sunny. The reception was filled with lots of dancing! I was bummed because I think for the first time I was affected by the altitude. It made me more short of breathe, making me not be able to sing :( I'm sad I wasn't able to sing for my dad. Anyways everyone had fun and I will post a few pictures tomorrow. Goodnight!

~B

Sleep Now Work

Okay, so I've given my body a few days of rest and tomorrow I'm goin to start getting on this up trail to getting the lungs in better shape.

Anyways, this weekend is my dad's wedding, in Tahoe! I'm pretty excited because it gives me a chance to see family and friends! I am also superly nervous. I'm going to be singing at the reception. I'll be singing with the band. I feel bad for my roomies because all they will be hearing the next couple days is the same song over and over as I belt my lungs out to practice for saturday.

Singing is such a good cardio work out for my lungs; having to take all the deep breaths. I love it though!!! Wish me luck my voice stays here through all my coughing :)

Short and Sweet

My body craves sleep. It craves to eat, and consume what my body will allow. It craves medications, nebulizers, vest treatments, and antibiotics. It craves to once dance like it use to be able to, to show emotions through movements. It craves love, salt, laughter, to breathe, to be free. Free to be. This is what I want and will always want; a cure. No cure means, no we can't fix you. We can try to push it back but no it won't go away. I know eventually that CF will overcome my lungs and continues to try and make me weak. The idea of this, is harsh. It's my reality that I know of but I choose to fight against. When I think about the fact that this disease is going to shorten my time here, it does make me sad. Sad, because I don't want to miss anything. I've talked to other CFer's about this too. When most people in life don't want to get old, I do. I want to be able to get married, start a perfect family, have kids, watch them grow up, graduate. I want to be a grammy one day. I want to be able to have grandkids and love them, like my grammy does. I want the simple things out of life. It's not the fear of dying. It's the fear of dying and missing out on being an impact.

Whenever I think about this it makes me want to do everything. Makes me want to race around. Maybe that's why I tell myself to dream big, so I push myself.

~B

Time For An Anti-Biotic?

Deciding whether or not you are getting better, staying the same, or worse, is hard to do. I've been stepping up taking care of myself lately, hoping to stay healthy for my dad's wedding that is coming up this weekend. Unfortunately it's been a struggle. I'm not getting worse, but I'm not getting better either. My allergies hit my sinuses last week and then hello sinuses hitting my lungs! I had a sinus surgery a little over a year ago because my doctors and I decided that my sinuses were always leading to my lung infections. It's a lovely unending cycle for me. I'm probably the worst at taking care of my sinuses too. I hate doing the sinuses rinses, even though they are just as important as any other medication I take.

I called the doctor's earlier and had a long chat with my CF RN Coordinator, Mary. Told her I haven't been feeling great and asked a few other questions as well. You see, this last appointment of mine was the last with my amazing pediatrician (lil kids) Doctor Robinson. I will have a new doctor, staff, and building, next time I go in for a check up. So Dr. Robinson put on two oral anti-biotics; rifampin, for the MRSA cultured in my lungs, and levaquin, for the psuedomonas. Hopefully I will be feeling even better than before after this two weeks of hard core meds.

My day was filled with work, many phone calls, errands, and also work. Overall it was a pretty good day. I even talked to my manager about transferring to the Fresno Buckle when I move in a couple months, and she said she would talk to their manager to make sure it's okay. Yay! Everything right now is falling into place for me, and through it all I'm "growing up".

Psalms 16:9 "Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure."

~B

This Weekend and other thoughts.

This weekend was so much fun having Coleman here visiting me. He and his three friends came as well, so this weekend our house was full of rowdy boys! My roomies, boyfriend, and friends all had such a great time this weekend. Thursday night, we all went to a Mardi Gras themed dance, which turned into a long, crazy, yet exciting night. After this long night my body was tired. Then next day was just a day of relaxing and hanging out, then out again that night. Yesterday, I had work, while the boys went to Bodega Bay. That was a big bummer because I love the beach :( Oh well. Working kinda wore me out because after two late nights before that, my body was getting really tired. Luckily, my manager let me off early. I came home with a headache and then took a shower and tried taking a nap to get feeling a little better. It went away after some yummy pizza and some laughter with everyone. Later we popped popcorn on the stove, and turned it into a movie night.

So, with the fun weekend all summed up here comes the real part of my blog for today. Having Cystic Fibrosis, gets to me sometimes after I've had all my fun. Reality hits me after having a night of dancing, just hanging out with friends, or even having to cut the night a little bit early because I need to start my treatments. Waking up the next morning after two long nights, trying to ignore the fact that my body is just a little bit tired, got to me. I was tired. My body was tired, telling me i need rest and more inhaler/vest treatments. I hate this part of it all; having to stop myself and refocus on my CF and what really matters. The worst part is, this shouldn't have to be my main focus. I wish that it could just be school, friends, work, and having FUN. Knowing that I don't get to do everything everyone else does it what really gets to me the most.

So, yes, I did have a little breakdown this weekend about all this. I am lucky though because I still have people here for me when I do. Breaking down is one of the worst feelings, because you know inside that you've been fighting to keep feeling good and then you don't. Starting to cry, is almost like the feeling of giving up, because you don't want to admit yourself to CF. Yet somehow at the same time it is so relieving to get it all out. Such a strange mix that makes it frustrating and hard to understand why everything happens as it does. I hate being an emotional wreck. Makes my mind think way too much.

Anyways, thats all for today because I need to work on some homework. Here's a few pics from this weekend! And thank you Coleman for coming to visit me :)