Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Okay, so I've given my body a few days of rest and tomorrow I'm goin to start getting on this up trail to getting the lungs in better shape.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My body craves sleep. It craves to eat, and consume what my body will allow. It craves medications, nebulizers, vest treatments, and antibiotics. It craves to once dance like it use to be able to, to show emotions through movements. It craves love, salt, laughter, to breathe, to be free. Free to be. This is what I want and will always want; a cure. No cure means, no we can't fix you. We can try to push it back but no it won't go away. I know eventually that CF will overcome my lungs and continues to try and make me weak. The idea of this, is harsh. It's my reality that I know of but I choose to fight against. When I think about the fact that this disease is going to shorten my time here, it does make me sad. Sad, because I don't want to miss anything. I've talked to other CFer's about this too. When most people in life don't want to get old, I do. I want to be able to get married, start a perfect family, have kids, watch them grow up, graduate. I want to be a grammy one day. I want to be able to have grandkids and love them, like my grammy does. I want the simple things out of life. It's not the fear of dying. It's the fear of dying and missing out on being an impact.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This weekend was so much fun having Coleman here visiting me. He and his three friends came as well, so this weekend our house was full of rowdy boys! My roomies, boyfriend, and friends all had such a great time this weekend. Thursday night, we all went to a Mardi Gras themed dance, which turned into a long, crazy, yet exciting night. After this long night my body was tired. Then next day was just a day of relaxing and hanging out, then out again that night. Yesterday, I had work, while the boys went to Bodega Bay. That was a big bummer because I love the beach :( Oh well. Working kinda wore me out because after two late nights before that, my body was getting really tired. Luckily, my manager let me off early. I came home with a headache and then took a shower and tried taking a nap to get feeling a little better. It went away after some yummy pizza and some laughter with everyone. Later we popped popcorn on the stove, and turned it into a movie night.
Friday, April 16, 2010
sitting at night we lay and try to fall asleep
trying to ignore the breath of this disgusting disease
only those who are fighting
knows what its like to hear the inside dying
our fear of the first crackle that wont disappear
sends our mind whirling into thinking, why cant it be clear.
we sit and listen to the sound of fait
turing to the variety of medications that awaits
breathing in the moist meds that our lungs crave
we forget about our difficulties and the again become brave.
the first time you the faintest crackle
hoping with the next treatment it will fade away.
to waking up at midnight trying to breathe
from the crackles, that albuterol just cant put at ease
once its attack is over and its stopped its little tease
i sit and lay the trying to ignore the breath of a disease.
suddenly time flys by before you could ever catch it
and you wonder how you ever be able to get past this.
we know inside the daunting hospital is waiting
we figure hey we know eachother this well, why shouldnt we be dating
walking up to our room with our clothes & crackles
we realize we'll be bound to this bed with i.v.s as shackles
getting stronger and healthier as the days go by
the nurses and rp's comment that our smile is finally alive.
but the day the doctor comes in with a smile
means we get to pack up and our stay was all worthwhile.
defeating the crackles of these scarred lungs
give us the hope and again makes us feel young.
all us c.f.er's will always be in this fight together
accomplishing our goals and relating to eachother
though we cant sit face to face and talk
because of fear of cross infection.
we will always be there for one another
because with cf we have a special connection.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Right now, health wise I'm doing okay. The pft's are at 56%, and my weight is slowly rising (currently 105). But having the stress of school, work, and trying to make plans for my future has caused my lungs to feel a little blahhh right now. I want to be able to breathe more. I need to find motivation for exercising more and doing cardio to get my lung function back up to the 60's. Hopefully this blog thingy will help me track it all.
Anyways, life is good; just stressed.